Laryssa: So yesterday I fell asleep in my Chemistry lecture. I felt horribly about it so I came to today's section of it. But I fell asleep in there too.

Laryssa's friend on the phone: You need to focus your attention on something in there so that you don't keep falling asleep. Even if it's not on something related to the lecture. I mean, at least you'll hear stuff slightly if you're awake.

Laryssa: Well, I got a glimpse of some guy's really nice tush before he sat down. But that only did me good for about the first five minutes of class.

Laryssa's friend on the phone: His what?

Laryssa: Tush!

Laryssa's friend on the phone: Oh, I thought you said, "crutch." And I was thinking to myself, What appendage could she possibly be referring to?

Laryssa: (laughing)

Laryssa's friend on the phone: I mean, my mind was going all over the place, 'Does he have three legs? Is she exaggerating something?'

Laryssa: (laughing harder)

[a knock on the door]

Laryssa's friend who lives down the hall, who is nuts about Halloween and was already trying on her costume, was coming to ask for Laryssa's opinion on said costume. Laryssa opens the door, to see her friend dressed up and some hobbled old woman with, yes, a crutch, and her friend asks

"Does this skirt make my tush look too big?"

I wish I were lying.

Do vegetarians go so far as to eliminate Animal Crackers from their diet?

To my darling PHILIPS SBC HS383 Sports Series Headphones,

Little high school freshman are stupid. They fail to understand the potential complexity and importance of the relationships that they can forge in their lives. Sometimes, some of the greatest entities pass under their nose, but in their immaturity and self-centered nature, these little freshman don't realize what they have until it's really gone.

Such was the case with me, when I swiped you from the school computer lab to silence my computer so that the instructor wouldn't know that I was listening to Led Zeppelin III (She was really weird about us listening to music, even if it was good stuff. Something like us not paying attention? I don't know, it was crap). Even as I was wrapping you about my ears and feeling the smooth vibrations of the music pulsing through you and into my own ears, I didn't realize that I had just found a companion that would only give of itself for the next six and a half years of my life. I did, however, decide to keep you around; you were very nifty when it came to being quiet in the computer lab after all.

Yes, I stole you. Matt Frazier said to me a few weeks later when he saw me pulling you out of my locker that he believed your original owner was Justin Chafin (sorry Justin, if this is true-I'll get you another pair). And yet in spite of my blatant sin you were never harsh in your judgment, because you allowed me to take you everywhere, allowed me to plug you into all sorts of apparatuses: computers, CD Walkmans, iPods, even televisions (oh, wasn't that a journey!).

You were patient with me when I went through my "phases." Guns N'Roses, Led Zeppelin, the pillows, Pearl Jam, Benny Goodman, Van Halen, and Rush were just a few of these. I have no idea if you hated any of these, because you never told me. It was always about me, me me me. It wasn't what you the headphones wanted to play today, it was what I, Laryssa, wanted to hear.

But you showed me, didn't you?

It was an ordinary Saturday this past weekend. I was running a little low on clean underwear, and thought it was time to do some laundry. The room where the washing machines and dryers are housed here in the dorm tends to be pretty loud, and so I usually like to have some musical accompaniment as I'm sorting/folding my clothes down there. We'd done this many times before.

It was Phish's "Taste" when it happened. The right ear began procuring a static sound. I wiggled you a bit, hoping it was just a tiny glitch. But no. It only got worse. More static, white noise. I stopped folding my Optimus Prime t shirt. This was serious.

You were fizzling out. I couldn't believe what I was hearing (or wasn't, rather). So I placed you in the corner of my desk and hoped that maybe you were just tired and that in a few days I could use you and everything would be normal and clear and sound...But that wasn't going to be the case at all. I had to be put back in my place.

I was walking to class and waiting in the hall, and there was no noise coming from the right ear. My heart, was breaking. I tried everything: I wiggled, examined, adjusted...Finally, I just tried to revive you with our favorite songs. Memorable tunes that we had listened to over the years.

"Blowin' In The Wind" for the day I fell in love with music via Bob Dylan.
"Crazy Sunshine" for the hundred track or cross country meets we attended.
"Yellow Ledbetter" for the the summer we sat on the porch in the indian summer heat and dreamed of cooler days.
"Carolina In My Mind" for when we went on beach trips.
"Escape" for our trip in Hawaii.
"November Rain" for the walks home from school in yes, The November Rain, rocking out to Slash's god-like solo.
"Canon in D" for the days when the world felt heavy.
"Baba O'Riley" for the nights when we reclined on my tear-soaked pillow and the words and sounds would remind me that I would rise above and beat it.

And nothing worked. If there weren't about 10 other kids hanging around, I would have been a little more than misty.

Finally, "I'm Too Sexy" by Right Said Fred came on. I couldn't help but smile-it was a daily ritual of ours to listen to this and pump up to dominate our day. You occasionally eeked out a few notes here and there, but mostly it was static. I got hopeful, because that was more noise than nothing.

Upon reaching the final line of the song, "I'm Too Sexy For This Song,"

The Right Ear came on!!

And after that was said, you went completely out. No sound from either ear. I really wish I were kidding about this.

Because basically, PHILIPS SBC HS383 Sports Series Heaphones, you owned me. I always thought that it was I, who had the leverage. But no. You showed me who's boss. Frankly, I am at once humbled by your display of prowess and sheer wit as well as dismayed for never realizing what I had put you through. Sure, I had worn you in the rain, torn the fabric that protected the speakers, took you on long perilous runs through town, dropped you, and squished you in my bookbag countless times, but I never thought you minded.

And now you are gone. You were "Too Sexy For This Song."

You were too sexy for me too. I concede.

Apparently you only retail for about 10 dollars. Yet the memories we forged as we listened to countless artists and traveled to numerous places...well, I'd like to think we had something so priceless, even MasterCard can't hold a candle to us.

Goodbye, my PHILIPS SBC HS383 Sports Series Headphones. You will be sorely, sorely missed. And you have earned my full respect.

---

Sidenote: I thought about actually getting on eBay and buying another pair of these headphones... But I don't think I have it in me.